Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
