mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
