Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
