Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Randomize
