Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
