My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
