I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
