Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
