Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
