I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
