I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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