just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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