There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
