It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Acid is not a monday night drug
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
As shirtless as possible
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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