my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
