I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
the liver wants what the liver wants
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
