So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I wish there were birth control emojis
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
