thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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