You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
