Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
