im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
