Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
