I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
