I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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