How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
