Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
