So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize
