If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
