1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Randomize
