I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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