the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
