yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
