Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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