I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
