I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
