i think my mom watched the whole time
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Randomize
