Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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