Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
