I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Randomize
