So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
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