So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Sorry my hands just texted you
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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