I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
