Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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