So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
