bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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