Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
