I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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