I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
