there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
