I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
