Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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