I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
