Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Randomize
