My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
